everything came tumbling down on me

One of the things I didn’t realize when I started my quest to get healthy was how much I would become a cheerleader for other people who decide to make that change. I take more notice when people are making healthy choices, I offer my patented “woo-hoo!!” to people when they’re doing well, and I try to encourage people when they’ve had a bad food day, week, whatever.

I am not quite as kind to myself, however. I’ve been hard on myself up for falling of the exercise/healthy eating wagon. It’s hard to get back on track right now having fallen SO VERY FAR off of it. I’m sure that a lot of it is due to the pending graduation & related knitting insanity*, preceded by a tough final year of school and injuries.

But schooling and injuries aside, I feel a responsibility to do better, for myself and for the other people out there making this change. I may not have directly inspired any of them to make the change for themselves, but they’re inspiring me to get back on track. I don’t feel great about myself right now. I don’t feel like I’m living up to my potential health. I feel like I have health issues I can resolve by losing weight, eating healthy, and getting back to the gym.

That said, I am a little scared. The gym frightens me without my trainer or a class that will keep me focused. I still haven’t figured out how to cook healthy for one person on a regular basis. My brain seems to have forgotten how I got to this point in the first place – how I lost that 4o pounds before 15 of it came back.** I haven’t been to the gym in at least a month. I think about going for a walk in the park after work, then I just don’t. I don’t even have a reason – it just doesn’t happen. It feels like starting over.

I need to make myself accountable again. I need to remember that I can do things now that I couldn’t two years ago. My goal is to be healthy and feel good about myself. I want to find my body’s set point – that place where my weight is optimal & my health is good. Where I can stop taking medications for health issues I probably wouldn’t have if I was at a healthier weight.

I just need to take the first step again.
*Sleeve 1 is nearing completion – I started the ribbing tonight. And I anticipate that Sleeve 2 will go much faster since I won’t have to try it on a billion times to make sure I have it the right length. So it’s entirely probable that I’ll finish this in time. I hope.

**Which, after this semester in particular, is not surprising. I am not pleased about this, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. It just goes to show that this needs to be a permanent change, not something that’s temporary.


2 thoughts on “everything came tumbling down on me

  1. You’ve been through some major stress recently with your case presentation and having to redo it. You’ve been busy with both work and school, and you’ve had to make sacrifices. I’m not trying to excuse your actions but I’m saying you should give yourself a break for them. You’re graduating and things are going to settle down now. Starting over, while not ideal, is at least going to get you going again, and look at it this way: you don’t have any more school to derail you next semester. You’re done. Woo!

    I think after a week, that starting over feeling will diminish and your body’s muscle memory will kick in and you’ll wake up feeling alive again. Let’s not look back on past mistakes any longer than we have to in order to learn from them. From now on, forward we march, onward, upward, skinny-ward.

  2. Just wanted to let you know, that I know how you’re feeling right now. I made great progress myself last year, and since the holidays, I’ve put on at least 10 pounds. Back to feeling out of shape, and like there is a giant hill to climb up once again. It’s frustrating, but we can do it!!!

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