I spoke these words out loud

I’ve been trying not to turn this into a place where I only talk about my whole weight loss/getting healthy thing, but that’s not really working for me. This is the place where I talk about things that are important to me and right now, this is a huge part of what’s important to me. I briefly toyed with starting a separate blog for the weight thing, but quickly dismissed that idea. There will still be various other discussions and the occassional letter to Trent Reznor, but there will probably be a lot of discussions on the whole what-I’m-eating and how-my-workout-kicked-my-ass for now.

With that said, a short history of my fat girl status (forgive me if I’m repeating myself. I’ve been blogging for 5 years – it’s bound to happen). I don’t remember every being thin – I think I was averaged sized until I hit puberty, then the pounds packed on. I ate decently at home, but there was also a lot of snacking on unhealthy things – my mom was a chocoholic, so there was always chocolate & candy around. It’s a trait I’ve inherited to an extent. I remember cutting a deal with my parents at 14 that if I lost 10 pounds, I could go to a concert. I remember spending time in a gym at that age (probably to lose said 10 pounds) and hating every minute of it. I remember just being the fat girl.

By high school, I identified myself as the fat girl & had the self-esteem to go with it. I hated gym class, I didn’t want to exercise, & I took the easy way out because I had “weak ankles” (I was also the super-clumsy girl who sprained her ankle more than once by tripping on a pocked of air). The only athletic thing I liked was tennis, and I wasn’t good at it, I just played for fun every once in a while. I even quit that by my Sophomore year.

I never had the drive or the desire to change, though. I identified with the fat, I had become one with the fat, I was insulated from the world and myself by the fat. I had friends, I had a family who accepted me as I was (except for my grandma, but she was mean). I didn’t date, blaming my fat girl status for that, although I don’t think that was why. I was shy, I had a wall up, & nobody saw enough to break through it. So, I went to college, I studied, I graduated. I went to graduate school, I studied, I changed schools, I graduated. During that time, I never exercised, I didn’t think about what I ate, I didn’t want to commit to making a change in my life.

And then a weird thing happened. A couple years after I finished my Masters, I started working in public health. It was a field so far off my radar that I had no idea what I’d be doing, but I did it. Just by doing my job, I learned about the cancer fighting benefits of eating better, I learned so much about the causes of things like cancer, stroke, heart disease, hypertension, and how one major risk factor for everything was not only a poor diet, but being overweight. While I was learning, though, I was coping with the death of my mom & deciding to go back to graduate school for my MPH. It was a weird year. So I learned, but I didn’t implement anything into my own life until recently. I made that decision that if I can actively do something to fight off disease and have a better quality of life, I am going to do it.

Which brings us to today. I went to the gym, my personal trainer kicked my ass, I left sweat behind on the floor. When I came home, I had a sweet potato for dinner. I am, as of this moment, down 22 pounds from my starting weight. I’m not always making the right food choices, but I am still making better ones. Fast food has been nearly eliminated from my diet (I still have my “safe” places where I can grab a quick bite without going overboard), Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste the same anymore, high fructose corn syrup is gone (although I do miss the Fig Newtons), instead of a full sized Twix for an afternoon snack today I had a clementine. Earlier in the week I still made some poor food choices (I ate my weight in pretzels), but the important thing is that when I fall off the horse I get right back on. Every time. No matter what. So that I will never weigh 238* pounds again.

*My starting weight. I am 2 pounds away from weighing 10% less than that. Wow.

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9 thoughts on “I spoke these words out loud

  1. kara, this is your blog and you’re free to write about whatever you please! if some people find it to be dull, they can skip over it :)

    i didn’t date either (until i was 19) and i seriously had the body of a little boy, so no, it’s definitely not the fat. i think that you’re doing an amazing thing because you’re changing your habits to get healthy. it’s not about vanity. i am really so excited to watch your journey because i admire your strength and tenacity. can’t you tell? i always have a million things to say on your blog posts about your weight! i know it’s not an easy journey, so i love that you’re excited about your progress and the changes you’ve made. it’s amazing to think that you’re eating and drinking differently and enjoying it – it’s not painful and i think that’s awesome!

    have you considered joining the Wednesday Accountability group on flickr? a lot of people are posting photos of themselves on a scale (you don’t necessarily have to show your weight – one person hid the number with cheetos HAH!). i guess it’s like a little support group online. i think it’s pretty cool because everyone’s getting involved and they’re giving tips on how to eat healthier and good exercise programs, etc. good luck!!!!

  2. Kara, just wanted to say that it’s awesome that you’re taking charge of your life and your health! And it is the little changes that add up. You’re on your way, and I’m proud of you. I know how hard is it to be busy with work and school, AND make time for healthy eating and exercise. But I also know that even though the better eating and exercising makes me feel SO much better, it’s so much harder to do because you’ve got to work at it and be persistent and make the time for change. But you’re doing awesome and like Mai said, this is your blog. You can write whatever the hell you want! :)

  3. I hope you continue to write about this journey for you, because (I’m being dead serious) your tweets and blogs about working out and eating right have served as reminders to me of what I should be doing. Keep it up–you’re doing awesome!

  4. so um, why did i suck and hate gym…I am your klutz partner in life :) Doesn’t matter if i weighed 100 lbs or 500 lbs I can’t touch my toes, or anywhere near them.
    And write what you want… I have had numerous blogs over the last 7 years and they changed from topic to topic….it just happens…

  5. Good for you. I am ending a 7 week recuperation period and altho I lost weight, I have lost strength. I hate exercising but at my age, 65, I know my future agility and strength as I age depend on it. You are inspiring me. If nothing else I plan on taking daily walks.

  6. hi! i don’t comment often (or ever?) but i just wanted to give you my congats for getting your butt into the gym, losing 22 lbs is amazing! i find the hardest part is just getting there. once i’m there i am fine.

    i’m doing Wii fit for now while i get back some strength that i’ve lost then i will hit the gym.

    don’t have a separate blog. this is your blog and you can write whatever you want.

    -michelle

  7. Kara
    I’ve been AWOL for a few weeks and just got around today to reading this post (and general catching up on blogs).
    First off, we don’t care what you write about. We’re all here because we like reading what you have to say. If you are going through unemployment and write about it, that’s what we want to read. If you are taking charge of your life and losing weight and eating healthy, we want to read it. If you are talking about how awesome Trent Reznor is we want to read that too. The point is that you write, we read. If it’s important to you, it’s definitely important to us!!
    Second, congrats on doing what you said you would do about your health! It sounds like you are doing a marvelous job with your goals. Keep it up! We’ll keep reading :)
    Carrie

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